10 Months Down & 10 Years Back


I almost titled this, "October Wins" but it felt almost "wrong' to title it win...

but in truth

I do reflect each month

and I won't let the fear of perception or misperception water down my voice,

so here we go- I'm going to let you in.


I've been quiet most of this year. I'm sure like all of you, you had plans for 2020.

  • Dec-March: move to Los Angeles (with hopes of living back and forth)

  • April: move back to Hawaii (perspective came, COVID came...)

  • May-July: quarantine, start my own fitness app

  • August -October: homeschool my son, teach full time, maintain my own fitness app

  • Nov- December... ?

Each year I have a theme- this year it was "Within My Means..."

  • Love...

  • Spend...

  • Train...

  • Compete...

  • Give...

  • Hope...

Within my means...


Early on this year, I started going to therapy. It didn't last long as I don't think she was a good fit. But there was a seed she planted that I haven't been able to shake...

In our last session she rephrased me babbling into something that sounded like this...


As she rephrased what I said, I didn't see my life like this, in fact some of the dates may be wrong. But she asked me to entertain the idea that perhaps I haven't processed too many things in the last few years.


She asked me to consider that maybe this year, for once, in ten years, this year-

Allow myself to be tired.

Allow myself to feel.

Allow myself to mourn... grieve.


2010 Move + newly married + new job/town + Death- dad

2011 Earn my Master's Degree, get pregnant

2012 Mana was born

2013 New parent + Couples therapy

2014 Divorce + move 2 times

2015 Begin bodybuilding + Debt + work 4 jobs + move some more...

2016 Nutrition School+ Death (grandfather) + work 4 jobs + start health coaching

2017 Nationals Bodybuilding + work 4 jobs

2018 Nutrition School + Death (cousin) + work 3 jobs + write meal prep course

2019 Nationals Bodybuilding+ Death (grandmother) + work 2 jobs + move some more...

2020 ...


You see sometimes we don't know how far we've come, until we really think about how far we have come. As I write this, I simultaneously pray for God to help me envision, plan and look forward to 2021.


For those of you who truly know me, you know I operate with a sense of urgency and intentionality that is noteworthy. One unsolicited piece of advice I offer you is to structure and systematically outline how and when you reflect. The only way I am able to craft, structure and design a 2021 plan is to remember the scope of my work, which includes: how far I've come, how far I haven't, the grace and goodness of God and everything in between.





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© 2019 by Kū-A-Kanaka

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